Soul searching

Marriage is a huge commitment. But have you ever thought that there is something which requires even deeper commitment than marriage? For me, that 'something bigger' is and has always been religion.

I'm born Taoist (i think) (i'm also confused about Buddhism & Taoism) but not a diligently practising one. Like most people, i have always taken 'God' for granted. I only pray and light up joss sticks when i need something or when i need God's blessing. I don't always pray to the deities when I go to temples but when I do, I do it out of respect more than because I believe. 

Other times when I am more pious, I will light up joss sticks and ask the deities to 'bless my families and protect them' and etc etc, during the 1st or 15th day of the lunar month (usually under my mother's instruction as well) However, it is much easier for me to pick up joss sticks to pray to my deceased grandmother, probably because I love her dearly and also, maybe because she existed - I talked to her, held her, loved her and so have no reasons to doubt her (existence).

Why do I say marriage requires easier commitment than religion? Because marriage is something you can see, you have someone to hold and to tell them your ups and downs and receives their response in return - just like how I have communicated with and received my grandmother's responses while she was still alive.

Now you may say that it is the same with religion - God will answer your prayers, protect you in times of need and all.

But I can't. I just can't, because I find it hard to hold on to what I can't see, can't hold and that makes me question and have doubts. It's not that I do not believe in God, I do but it gets harder when there's doubt. You can say it is my faith which is wavering but if I tell you I don't have that much of faith to begin with? Maybe I'm not well-educated as a Taoist from young but you cannot say I'm clueless because I know quite a number of things and do believe in some other as well.

I think I am only trying to justify reality and the efficiency of a religion. Religion is the commitment to believe and to have faith in something without doubt or questions. 

I am currently stuck in the middle. There was this period I thought I've turned totally faithless, started taking beef (guilty but i loved it) but then guilt comes and i reverted to being the pre-beef me. I'm not saying it's just about beef, of course it's more than that (though i've missed the cheezeburger)

Now I'm avoiding beef again and trying to light up more frequently. 

Can't help but to compare my religion with the rest.

Anyway, I like how in Islam, Christianity and Buddhism, they have the habits of saying prayers frequently and that Muslims/Christians and Buddhists seem to talk to God all the time and not only when they need Him to do something. They have specific prayers for different things and I think I need that too. I want to say a prayer, to ease my heart and to give me courage and not just lighting up the joss sticks and that's it. I feel so insincere each time I pray because other than the doing the gesture(joss sticks) I don't know how does Taoists pray.

I guess, even if there are specific prayers to be said, I wouldn't be able to find it online or understand it because most of it would be in Chinese writings anyway. BUT at the same time, I don't think I can commit even if the English version is available- I'll just end up finding excuses for myself. I do not totally reject the idea of God but it is just harder to convince me now as I tend to question a lot especially about my own faith. 

Every religion sends out the idea that their God is the ultimate one and so, how do we have so many Gods at the same time, in the same planet? I am an utterly confused sinner but I strongly believe that religion is not the only way to shape a good,kind and compassionate human, though.

Amitabha ( the only 'prayer' I know - not even a Taoist prayer, I think it's a Buddhist one)

The Pro, Crastinator

My equivalent of summer started on Monday but so far nothing much that feels like summer has taken place yet, sadly. I don't quite anticipate this because I knew it would be the same old, sedentary unhappening routine all over. 

It's always been like this and who is responsible? You can definitely find my finger pointing at the pro-crastination and also the laidziness that engulf my body and soul. You see, while I enjoy it, being too laidback sometimes has its fucked up side. 

Actually, much has taken place - just that it's all only happening in my mind. 

I was inspired to finish the remaining reflections I owed and so I had my points and insights penned down, only to be distracted by the internet later when I fired up the good ol' browser. So the points I jotted down in the English workbook are simply ignored.

Speaking of the workbook, another pending task claws back at me. I was supposed to finish typing what I promised my mentor a month earlier by the beginning of this month. But I keep telling myself, it is still the beginning of the month because 10th is not here yet -_-

What never fails to greet me now whenever I step in to or out of my unorganized room now is the black-as-charcoal eyesore of a luggage that I dragged back from the city three couple of days ago. It still has its content inside there, though wide open for my convenience to rummage through things when I can't find what I need. A voice in my head keep saying "Unpack up laters lest some unwelcomed guests will find their way in there" but to no fucking avail. Fail.

Despite being blunt and harsh sometimes, I cannot tolerate rejection, really. Even when it's clearly my fault. I failed a job interview today. Well, did not fail technically because they do not have an opening to begin with. Why do I went for an interview when they don't have a vacancy? Because they used to have. It used to be vacant. Until someone decided to freaking go and ask for the job a. day. before. me. And what was I doing the day before and the day before and the day before? Busy shaking legs and counting leg hair at home while staring at the equally idiot box I'm typing on now. Bravo .

Anyways, note to self : Don't lose hope, there's still plenty of time to........ procrastinate  \/___\/

Red

Just the other day I read about how this girl on reddit used to think that PMS is a myth because she has never experience the worst of it before. Until the day she found herself crying over something really trivial, which I forgot what it was -__- I guess it's something like the boyfriend lift up the toilet seat or something equivalent to that laa.

When I read about it, I thought hey I also haven't experience reaaaally bad PMS before too. I do get the shorter temper but not to the extend of becoming a monster who becomes oversensitive with anything and everything like crying over getting a yellow eggyolk instead of orange eggyolk wtf you get what I mean.

And then, bam! Look who's having some reaaaaally bad PMS over the long weekend. It was bad. So bad I shut myself down, didn't wanna talk to anyone when I could avoid communication. I just kept staring at the computer screen, lingering around the net doing absolutely nothing, playing games just so I have something to kill time with. Sleep was good to drown myself in, also worked as perfect reason to skip meals with the family, all for the sake of avoiding conversation/communication of any kind with anyone.

To be honest, I felt rather depressed over the period of time, having no idea that it was PMS. I thought about how suddenly I'm so vulnerable but now I'm enlightened as to why I was feeling so negative. I did try to swerve out of the negative pool of feelings but to no avail- I kept going down lower.

Anyhoo, have PMS? If you don't know if you're having it or not, you can see this for some of the symptoms and see how many you've got there :p. For myself, I had the emotional ones mostly, like "feeling slow & sluggish" (checked), "feelings of sadness and hopelessness" (checked wtf pls don't laugh) and also "irritable, hostile, or aggressive behaviour, with outbursts of anger toward self or others" hahaha I quote from that page one ok, which also unfortunately (checked) for me. Not so aggressive laa, more to feeling irritated and annoyed at everything that everyone does, especially when they tried to talk to me when I clearly do not want any of it lol.

Next big thing I know, magic happened and today I feel much better. Took the effort to communicate with people, went out to meet some friends, did not refuse dinner. No I did not get my period. It was supposed to be today but I guess they're taking advantage of the holidays too wtf. That saying, I am not totally sure if it is really PMS I got but I think it really do have some truth in it instead of being a myth that people say girls made up to use as excuse for their bad mood swings and attitude! I crossed my fingers and think that it was a bad case of PMS I experienced, for if not, I am doomed.

Oh crap,

今天妈妈买了螃蟹。很高兴，因为他终于让我煮我最拉手的辣椒螃蟹。煮好了事后好迫不及待的想吃，但是因为忙碌所以我让爸爸先吃。 爸爸吃了没什么反映，让我失望一下。 过了一段时间， 我终于忙完了。终于有时间坐下来享受自己煮的螃蟹，看看真的有那么难吃吗。吃了一口之后我终于明白什么叫 ’不是人吃的‘ 东西！因为他辣到好像鬼这样， 辣到妈妈都不认得。 果然是我最 "拉手" 的辣椒螃蟹， 你要是看看吗？T____T

Jangan sapu Malaysia please!

I hate not being able to stay out as late as I want to for being afraid of becoming the next victim of robbery/etc. Everyday I see news of people being robbed or being victims of some sort of heinous crimes, and that my friend, I have to admit, has successfully instill fear in me.

I used to be immune to these cases, being the No Fear person brushing aside all these news, thinking how distant it was. I used to ride my trusty Yamaha fearlessly even when it was past midnight already. I used to think that my mother is such a nag for always reminding us to lock the car doors at all times.

Now, everyday I read of how people are robbed in front of their house, in their own house and how they are also physically harmed when the perpetrators are not satisfied with their loot. This is how low our society have become. I used to deemed carparks are safe because there's so many cars and so many people are gonna be around but look at what happened in The Curve and many other shopping complexes.

I hate how I cannot leave my bag or purse on the passenger seat or anywhere that is visible from outside of the car. I think I hate it more to have to hide my purse and phone at some 'safe' compartments which is hard for me to reach. I hate being plugged by the feeling of insecurity, to be aware of my surroundings at all times like I am a criminal looking for ways to escape. They are the culprits, why must we, the normal citizens be the ones to feel like we are being watched all the time?

I am not going to act all brave now and say that I'm not one bit shaken by all the recent crimes. I am in fact very afraid. Have never been more afraid in my own country before. But what's worse is I don't know what I can do to guarantee myself to not be the next victim. It's a bet. I take precautions to make myself feel safer but whether it works or not, no one/nothing can guarantee. 

I don't need the government to build skyscrapers to fulfill whatever BIG promises they have made. Because whatever it is, in the end, those in powers are the one gaining and we the citizens are always the one at loss. 

I only need a country that is safe. A country that is clean. A country where I can go home at 3 in the morning without needing to fear whether I would still have my arms attached to my body after making the journey home. A country where I do not need to take extra long route just to avoid the roadblocks that the policemen has set up at the same place, same time, everyday for  more than 3 months already - although I did not do anything wrong. I'm sure I am not the only one who is doing this. I am a normal person traveling from home to town just to meet up with friends and yet I already knew where and when the roadblocks will be at. If I can memorize this, I'm sure a to-be criminal would be more sensitive to these things than me. You get the drift. 

No one has ever restricted my freedom and therefore I have to say this again : I hate being restricted by the unsafe surroundings. I hate not being able to stay out as late as I want to for fear of being The Next Victim!!!

Something something

This is so dopeee <3

And it was only just a dream,

Traveled the world and came home

Even more amazing you've become

Glad to have known you

Much for my honour.

Encounters they're but few

Will I always savour.

When snapshots transformed into a beautiful plot

What shall remain is just another ghoul.

Always be blessed

Always be blessed

Dear kindest soul !

The A Team,

Call me old-fashioned but I appreciate songs which are about life more than those which are solely written about romance although you may argue that romance is also a part of life too! :p That is why I love bands like Mayday cos they write about things like friendship/family/life a lot. It's such a waste I didn't manage to catch their concert-movie :(

Nevertheless, I also listen to songs with really good rhythm but shitty lyrics- can't help it they're good to hype up the atmosphere.

Some not so mainstream music are also real gems although I must say I don't really know how to spot the good ones and embrace their hipsterness wtf. That's because I usually listen to what some people label as 'trashy pop songs' but I'd love it if someone cares to recommend not so mainstream good music.

Recently I've been listening to some soothing voices a lot, like those of Boyce Avenue and the likes. So here's one of their covers which I am kinda hooked on since my friend introduced it to me :

You can find a more upbeat version by Ed Sheeran, the original singer. The lyrics are just so, so brilliant.


xoxo

We be walkin' Sg - Day 2,

Day 2 of my short Sg visit, also known as the day of stuffing ourselves silly. Morning started with breakfast at a nearby kopitiam. 


This is my usual order - my fav Lor Mee- at 168 behind Bt Pjg Plaza.

Look at those succulent pieces of charsiew, and EGG! 

First stop of the day - Little India! 

Err, actually just stopped to change MRT to go to Farrer Park, cos the folks were going there to consult this Chinese medicine man for their joint pains, muscle pains etc. Apparently very good and cured many ppl. 

If you want to know, it's at Block 2, Kitchener Rd - quite hard to find cos Kitchener Rd is sooo long. 

The clinic quite high tech one, the sinseh used a computer to record / analyze one leh, really never see before Chinese sinseh so tech savvy. But according to the folks, he seemed quite promising and the medicine(herbs) that he gave them also au naturel one, not your usual pills and capsules.

Outfit of the day ; taken in Little India.

Didn't plan our day so we had no idea where else to go after that. 

So, simply jumped on a bus to Bugis only to change destination to Tampines afterwards -_- cos everybody say don't know what to do in Bugis. 

BUT, I don't mind going to Bugis again, cos I wanna shop moreee at Bugis St. Anyway, upon reaching Tampines, eat again!  

Makannnn! 

Mehhh.

For all I know, only roadside stalls or hawkers can make awesome possum chendols or ice kacang. Those in food courts or cafes in shopping complexes' usually mehhh.

Tasteless curry balls.

Maggi Hotcup's curry is wayyy better. I no be kidding you. 

Tao suan.

My first time having Tao Suan, and although most of them doesn't like it, I find it interesting. It's quite nice la, with the yellow beans and you tiao in sticky soup. 

CHIPPY!!

Super yummy bacon sausage dipped in mashed potato! 

Do not let how it looks deceive you - yummiest sausage and mashed potato in the world! Although not my first time, it still managed to make me go WOW all over again :O

Malaysia should ditch whatever Ireland's Potato or Crazy Potato but instead bring this in! They also have fried Mars bars which I haven't tried.

Look at this skirt I bought from Tampines, just for 2SGD can you even?? Cheaper than sewing yourself! I bought two, which altogether costed less than RM10!

East Coast

Went for dinner at East Coast afterwards. ECP under revamp though, cannot go.

The oh-so-famous Jumbo Seafood, which is like the biggest seafood restaurant with the most huge crowd I've ever seen, hardly any empty tables. We booked for a table but still had to wait for 'bout 20 mins. 

You look at the amount of people// heads!! Not a single empty table!

The mommies!

The folks should have more photo taken together! 

Guess what they're famous for?

Hint : For washing hands after eating the famous dish!

Tadahh~! 

Chilli crab is ze answer. 

Mantou to eat with crabs.

TBH, I don't really feel that it is thaaaaat nice la, lacking some kick. But other dishes are okay, like the shark's fin soup. 

Shark's fin.

My personal favourite. Yummiest I've ever tasted, with the best ingredients.

Claypot seafood and veggie.

All the awesome people for the day <3

Group photo!

Y U NO look at camera, kao mou?

Ze lenglui Pei Su.

Ever since high school, all she does is get prettier and prettier!  

Cousins forever!

Special thanks to them both for spending the entire day having and bringing us around and also for all the treats without a word of complain. No words of gratitude would be enough. <3 


And thus, ends the 2nd day of my Sg trip, which was one month ago -_-"

Yesterday and today,

Yesterday and today, why so much difference? 


Traveled Singapore-Msia-Singapore-Msia yesterday, did so much walking and felt muscles toned up a bit. Today, i can feel my fats, unhealthily facing the comp most of the day.


Unwell yesterday, not sure body or soul but today it does not matter. 


Feel so lazy today, all i want to do is stay in and sleep but woke up at 6 yesters and long for more adventures. 


Yesterday, thought the organ called heart is still vulnerable but today vulnerable is just a word.