Take Me Away...

If only our heart and mind can generate posts when we're in deep thoughts and then publish it here, I wouldn't have to struggle to find suitable and expressive words to string my thoughts togehter.

I communicate with myself alot. You might call that "thinking" but really, how do you define "thinking"?? I talk to myself, like there's two persons in one body. No questions asked, no answers given but it all just happen so very naturally, like reading thru a book, a story, a whatever and these thoughts, these "boooks", these "stories" are like answers to things I can't explain .

Sometimes I'm too concentreated on communicating with myself so much that I find it not necessary to talk. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I don't have many friends and are not really that close with most of them. And this might also be the reason why I can't be as straightforward as anybody else because the two "persons" inside me often reason with each other first about which is right what is wrong before sending signal to my brain to let me know what to say. By the time it has reached my brain it is too late to say anything already, my response is often not needed anymore. Thus, I'm the pretty private person I am as much as I'm aware.

Very often, I don't know which is the real me.

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Nowadays I would sleep so much that I don't bother bout anything else, not even onlining. To others, its just plain laziness that leads to my sleeping all day. It might be true.

None bothered nonce cared none noticed. It was once upon a time and now back to the future.

Sometimes, people do genuinely care but at the wrong time, asking the wrong questions and giving the wrong feedback. But really, it's not them to be blamed. No "right" or "wrong" can be justify in this matter. It's just timing.

I need an escape. To somewhere unfamiliar, with faces I do not recognize, with voices unheard of. I want to be away. Far far, far far away. Sleeping is an escape. It was and still is the easiest way. But as soon as we're awake, its all back to reality.

Am I secretly enjoying the ignorance for I find myself doing something that contradict the answer? Or is it just something that is automatically generated out of the blue to cover up for guilt? I really don't know and I wish I'd know. Really.

Doing something you don't know why you're doing, or feeling something you don't know why you're feeling is the miserablest thing on earth. Worse is, you're still doing it although it seems to be very much wrong.

There's so much that can make me laugh, it's so easy to laugh a laugh but all I want is to cry. But its not easy at all. I can't shed a tear. It used to be so easy, it keeps me wondering now wheter has it dried up like how my passion is washed out.

I don't want to be a person who can't cry when I want to and when I need to. It's like a part in me is shut down, never able to be like how it was again. The inability to cry just proves that nothing can ever touch this part of the closed heart again, until Passion is found back.

Passion is gone together with this part of me. I do not know why I live anymore. I am not depressed, I am lost. I don't know what to do in life and what to do with my life. I don't know what I want to be. And lets not start with "who I want to be".

All I want is to redeem what I have traded out. I want to have my Passion back. I want to know what is my Passion. Without Passion, I have no directions in life.

A past is a past and I understand that, but how can I move on when there are still bits and pieces missing here and there like an incomplete puzzle. And this incomplete puzzle, if completed, is my ticket to the future. How can I let go when I don't have a proper closure of yesterdays' event. How do I move on with question marks clinging on to me?

I should be sleeping now but I'm not. It's 4.03am and I have school to attend later. I'm still searching for that answer. I'm still trying to locate where my Passion has gone. I'm still awake trying to figure out what is Passion and how does it looks like now, since I've not been in contact with it for such a long time already...